What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 11:27
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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This is soul school!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.
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Would this be the day?
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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I will be 64.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But, we were locked up after school.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
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My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
When she asked me how she looked .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It was going to be , some day.
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was very sick at this time too.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot live in the past .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,